A year ago today my world was turned upside down. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year and what a roller coaster ride it’s been. When I heard those 4 words “you have ovarian cancer”, I just knew I was handed the death penalty but I had no idea how long I would sit on death row. My mind went into a tail spin trying to process it all. Thinking of my kids, grandchildren, mom, David and the rest of my family and friends. What would life be like for them without me? How would it affect them to watch me die? I cried for over 7 hours straight until they medicated me and “knocked me out”.
The next morning I woke up and looked at the cross on my hospital wall and I thought to myself “NOOOOOOOO, it’s not going to end this way”. I immediately started working on “giving it all to God and trusting his plan”. I knew I couldn’t walk this journey alone. I also knew God would never forsake me as others might and have. The only choice I had and wanted was to lean into my faith and see what happened.
I called on Steve & Kim Ranson, Fred Glover, Steve Carl and Bill Hatfield to start their powerful prayers. Word spread quickly from here to my 2 far away friends in New Zealand and the UK. Prayers started immediately. My local family and friends rallied around me from day one. I’ve never felt so loved and cared about. That made a huge difference; it made me strong for them but in the back of my mind, I knew the odds were against me. I also knew that whatever my fate was, I was a winner. I would either win down here on earth and watch my grandchildren grow up or I win in Heaven with all my family and friends who went before me. Death is not a punishment, it’s a reward.
I started getting my affairs in order. In December, I was sitting at the funeral home making arrangements with my mom. Talk about a weird feeling. I think it was harder on mom than me…………..you’re not suppose to bury your children.
I tried my hardest to stay strong and positive for my family but some days I was dying inside. I rarely let them see me cry. I continued to live my life and do all the things I love. But no matter how I appeared on the outside, I lived in fear most days, I was scared but tried not to show it. Cancer affects every aspect of your life, it can consume you, no matter how hard you try to suppress it. From day one, I never slept without a light on. Every night for the first week, I called one of my powerful prayer warriors to pray with me on the phone before I went to sleep. After a week, I decided it was a lot to ask of people and I knew they were praying anyway.
I stayed with my mom the entire time until a few weeks after my last chemo. She was amazing at keeping us busy, doing life together, making memories that I will forever treasure. My kids were great through it all. They helped me much more than they’ll ever know. My grandchildren were the biggest reason I never gave up. I HAD to stay positive for them. They could never know just how serious my cancer was. They had to always think that grandma was going to be alright.
There are so many words to describe this past year. I was never mad at God and I never questioned why. I feel like I’m here for a reason; Heaven wasn’t ready for this ole hippie. I have places to go, people to see and an amazing story to tell.
So here I am, one year later. Feeling great, doing well physically but the emotional struggle has just began full force. I believe the mental aspect out weighs the physical.
People think “oh she beat cancer, she’s in remission”, it’s over, end of story, life goes on. It’s really the beginning of a complete different story. I live in fear almost daily that cancer will return. I grieve the loss of life before cancer. I grieve the loss of my sharp mind before chemo brain. I get angry because of the fear and grief. I should be counting my blessing AND I DO, trust me…….every single day I do but I’m human and I’m scared. It’s easy for every one to say “don’t think that way” but it’s not so easy. Every little ache or pain or different feeling in my body, I worry.
Life is different now. Life will never be the same. You can’t stare death in the face and come away the same person.
I thank God every day! I have truly been blessed from day one. I never got sick from chemo, I tried to stay positive and show people that no matter what cards life deals you, make the best of it. I tried really hard to do just that. I continued to live rather than curl up with self pity and waste away.
Once again, I trust that God will get me through the emotional turmoil and fear that I live with now.
I can’t thank each of you enough for all the cards, love, support, blessings, care packages, calls, messages, visits but most of all for your prayers. I truly couldn’t have walked this journey alone. Even if we’ve never met and you just happened along this blog or maybe you saw the geriatricgypsy.com website somewhere or heard of the Geriatric Gypsy, it’s apparent you have an interest and care and I appreciate that. You have each contributed something to my survival and recovery and I will never forget it. I love you all!